Stick your head in this

Today was a fun day as I went for the MRI of my brain. I seriously think I was the only person there magnetic images of their brain - or maybe i was just being paranoid (ME!??) but i felt like i was being treated a little differently then everyone else.

Firstly, the waiting room was packed so i stayed outside and talked to my friends on my cell phone. One nurse was really militant about it, saying me standing out there violated six different kinds of fire codes. she asked me who i was and what i was waiting for, and when i told her I was getting my head examined she was like, "Oh...well..that's different..if you're more comfortable out here than that's fine..." Um...the fuck??

during the half hour I had to wait, at least three different workers came up to me to tell me everything would be OK, don't be nervous, it's not that scary. Again..the fuck?? I wasn't scared, I was cracking jokes on the phone about attaching a tap to my head to drain the lemonade and serve refreshing beverages.

The actual MRI itself was not a big deal. They strapped my head down and put a sort of hockey goalie mask thing over my face so I wouldn't move. It was an open MRI which was a relief, because I get claustrophobic and a closed MRI would have been a living nightmare for me. Still, I asked for a sedative and was told this place doesn't administer them, and what do i need a sedative for its not a closed MRI? Before the test started the technician tested the cameras and spoke to me, telling me how long the procedure would be. "I STILL WANT A SEDATIVE!!!" I told him, "WE all do," he answered. It was a series of four or five different exams each one about five minutes - the last one was the longest it was seven minutes. I didn't think I was able to stay still for the full half hour but i managed it. In between scans the technician joked around with me and i would give him the thumbs up sign or thumbs down, then thinking he didn't see me i did the metal horns and he said "Rock on!". Yeah...only me, right? The exam room had on the local smooth R & B station, I was treated to Whitney Huston, The Jacksons, And Stevie Wonder singing "I just called to say I love you." I never want to hear that song again. It might actually be one of the top four worst songs ever written.

When the exam was over, the technician said, "Don't get up to quickly or you'll get dizzy," Sure. I bolted up like they were giving away money. Eight hours later and i'm still dizzy.

My primary doctor will get the results and if it's a life or death thing I'm sure i'll hear about it. The best part is he's on vacation becaues...well..doctors do like to go away one of their patients is very ill so I won't know the results of the exam until after new years.

So that's the latest in this series. Tune in again next time for another installment of "Boy your head is pretty damn big,"

Stop wincing about

It's so easy for me to joke around about stuff because as my dad used to say - "would you rather I cry?" Everyone is congratulating me for being so strong, what choice do I have? What fucking sense would it make to hide under my covers and say "OH MY GOD I'm PROBABLY GOING TO HAVE BRAIN SURGERY!! OH MY GOD!! EEEK!!"

Just when I start thinking about how crap this year is ending up – I remind myself of how absolutely fantastic bits of 2006 were.

And then on Thanksgiving I got into the car accident. It's pointless to question why I was in a car with that idiot at that time – in the rain – when I should have been with my mom helping her cook. Everything happens for a reason, right? And if I wasn't in the accident I wouldn't have gone for a CAT scan and I never would have found out I have brain lemonade. Is it better that I never found out and one day just dropped the fuck dead of a brain hemorrhage??

I keep saying this but I'm really very blessed to have my friends. It sucks that it takes something traumatic like this to make me realize how much I am loved (yes, I doubted that!) – and that's what's giving me some of the strength not to have a nervous fucking breakdown like I feel I should. That and blasting Motorhead at a perversely loud volume.

Crap

Ok I've made all the jokes, including saying I was getting a tattoo of the kool aid man – but seriously – I got my second opinion today. I brought the actual CAT scan film into a neurologist who I was referred to by my primary care physician and….

I have hydrocephalus. The doctor explained to me that there is probably an obstruction and I'm going to go for an MRI to find out where the obstruction is. Also he said based on the pattern of the results, this is a condition I'VE HAD FOR YEARS. I asked if it was life threatening, he said no, and that was all I needed to hear so I'm not hysterical. It is a bit unsettling to learn that I've been walking around with this brain condition for a good chunk of my life and didn't even know about it. I'll admit that sometimes I do feel dizzy when I look up for too long but I always thought it was because of my googly eyes- its probably because of the extra pressure on my brain.

So that's the update – I've scheduled an MRI. Based on the results of the MRI we'll determine what actions to take. I highly doubt I really need a silly straw put in my head – that is only for extrememe cases. However I might have to go for surgery to remove the obstruction – unless the obstruction itself is in my head and I AM NOT HAVING SURGERY ON MY FUCKING BRAIN…especially if it's not a life or death thing. I'll find out if this obstruction may cause problems later on in life based on the results from the MRI.

I keep saying that although this news is pretty bad, it could all be a fucking hell of a lot worse – so I'm not going to walk around saying "OH my god my life is over" because its not that big a fucking deal.

Doctor What

Today I went to a real doctor. Do you know how I know it was a real doctor? No one in the waiting room was eating a bucket of Extra Crispy and complaining their leg was going to fall off.

Seriously – I went to my family's GP – this guy treats my mom, my jackass brother, and helped me dad. That's all the recommendation I needed. He tested my pressure, did a quick neurological exam which was – banging a little hammer on my knees and elbows, asking me to stick my tongue in three different directions (keep all jokes to yourself please), touching my toes, I think that was it. He asked me if I had strabismus my whole life – which was a lot more professional then DR. Kevorkian who said "What's with your eyes?"!! He shined a bright light into my eyes and said he didn't see any evidence of cranial pressure. When I had told him Dr. Kevorkian told me OVER The phone what was "wrong" – he said "That is a direct violation of the new HIPA laws". Yep. I knew that. He also said, "There are a lot of unethical things going on with that place…." Yep, knew that too. He said it sounded like they were just trying to make money off me – and it all sounds like a scam. Again – I knew that but it was nice to hear it from a professional. He referred me to a reputable place to have my CAT scan results re-evaluated.

I'm already having trouble with the shady place I went to last week for the scan. I called them when I got home and asked for the actual film, the actual CAT scan which I as the patient am entitled to by law. The Russian receptionist was very nice but she told me that they can only give that out with a doctor's referral – which I have. I even offered to fax it to them but that was apparently unacceptable. I refrained from using the two Russian curses that I know, hung up, and called my qualified DR. back. His office took the name, number and fax number of the shady place and told me they would take care of it. So that's where I'm at now. The real doctor thought it was hysterical that I told him I have brain lemonade, I told him I had to make a joke out of this whole thing because it's just so fucking ridiculous. He also told me that I may just have excess fluid on my brain that I've just had my whole life and these morons that were reading my test results had no idea what they were looking at and automatically BOOM I'm a peanuts character.

No More Headbangers

Today i went back to the physical therapy place. I still need back rubs - heating pads and electric shock on my back - it actually makes me feel good - and getting an adjustment from the chiropractor is pretty fucking awesome - my posture has improved 100%.

I walked in, said hello to the receptionist (they love me there - I bet when they see me walk in they just see a huge walking dollar sign with furry boots) - and went to the bathroom to - well to use the bathroom - and to take off my hat, gloves, scarf and heavy down coat. As I'm walking down the hallway i hear, "That's her..." and then, "That's young lady is very ill.." Hmmm maybe they weren't talking about me I thought. I get out of the bathroom and Dr. Kevorkian is standing there. "What happened to you sweetheart?" Now I'm sweetheart? I was dying two days ago, "Why didn't you go to the emergency room?" I shrugged, "because I didn't think it was an emergency??!" I went on to tell him that I am getting a second opinion, and I would like a copy of my Cat scan results. Oh, and by the way, I reminded him to look up the HIPPA laws when he got a chance - mostly the bits about DOCTOR/PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY (Thanks Lucky Bob!).

Dr. Kevorkian was left with his jaw on the floor like, "how did this cross eyed bitch know about that??!" and i went for my therapy.Dr. Kevorkian told the nurse who was doing my treatment not to do anything too strenuous because there is a likelihood of hydrocephalus. When he walked out of the room, the nurse told me, "I do not think you have anything to worry about." I told the chiropractor I was diagnosed with fluid on the brain and he was like, "No, there is no way you have that - it is very unlikely you have that - don't even worry about it."

First thing next week I'm going to my GP with my test results to get a referral for a QUALIFIED neurologist - and then I'll take it from there. Thanks again to everyone for their advice - especially Lucky Bob - who is actually in the medical field and knows about proper procedure and ethics.I'm off to stick a bendy-straw in my head and go to sleep.

The next step

Thanks to everyone for thier advice. It's time like this I realize who my real freinds are and how many I am lucky to have - so thank you!! Big hugg!!!

Aheam...

What I've decided - after a soul searching day wandering around my favorite places in Manhattan and buying myself a cute handbag to cheer myself up....is this...

I'm going to call my family's GP tomorrow - I say my family's doctor because I haven't been to a DR in years - this is the guy who treats my mom and brother - and who took care of my Dad - so i know he's a good dude. I'm going to ask him to recommend a neurosurgeon - then I'm going to that guy - with my CAT Scan results - and have him read it. I am still convinced that Dr Kervokian either read my chart wrong or had me mixed up with someone else. BUT...in the terrible event that I do have Brain Lemonade - this legitamate Neurologist would tell me. If there is nothing wrong I'm sure he would tell me as well because he's not trying to scam any auto insurance company out of money.

So if I do have Brain Lemonade the only treatment is having a straw stuck in my brain to drain the fluid and I've already decided that is not happening. Brain surgery is so tricky that if you make even the most miniscule mistake th patient could wind up Butternut Squash or some other sort of vegetable. I've come to terms with the fact that if I have Brain Lemonade I will not want to have the surgery - which is basically like giving myself a death sentence...it's not a decision I'm making lightly. Then, knowing I'm going to go into convulsions and drop dead at any moment - I'm going to move to England and live out what little of my life is left somewhere happy like Birmingham.

So yeah - thats about it - and watch this space for more updates as they develop - or as my skull expands.

What the F**K?!?

Ok things are getting a bit scary and I'm not sure how to deal with it...I got into the car accident on Thanskgiving - I went to a lawer and have been going to physical therapy for my neck and back. Not that there is anything really wrong with my neck and back but you know how these things are, the more hurt you are the bigger the settlement, and honestly i've always had crappy posture and needed to see a chiropractor anyway. The doctor at the physical therapy place decided that i needed to go for a CAT Scan - just in case there was any head trauma that i don't know about. Fine. That was Tuesday.Today the doctors office called up and in a very calm voice this asshole quack told me that i have to rush myself to the emergency room because i have Hydrocephalus. Seriously, click the link after you're done reading this. The short version is: Hydrocephalus is a condition where there is fluid on the brain. This usually happens at birth - it can occur later in life - sometimes in a car accident when the victim hits their head. Fantastic. I ddin't hit my head. I also have none of the symptoms of Hydrocephalus.

Older children and adults may experience different symptoms because their skulls cannot expand to accommodate the buildup of CSF. In older children or adults, symptoms may include headache followed by vomiting,nausea, papilledema (swelling of the optic disk which is part of the optic nerve), blurred vision, diplopia (double vision), sunsetting of the eyes, problems with balance, poor coordination, gait disturbance,urinary incontinence, slowing or loss of development, lethargy,drowsiness, irritability, or other changes in personality or cognition including memory loss.

I don't have any of these symptons! NONE! I'm not peeing in my pants, i'm not vomiting blood, i don't have trouble walking or speaking or remembering things. This is a fucking scam. You know what it is its the people want to make money off me because the more things you have wrong with you the bigger the settlement. Fuck that. This asshole quack doctor, he tells me whats wrong in a very calm voice - i asked him to repeat the problem because of course he's a degenerate Russian -he got mad - told me it didn't matter what was wrong, i had to go to the hospital. I asked him to spell Hydrocephalus and he got mad again, and of course spelled it wrong. then he told me that this may be why my eyes are crossed. WHAT THE FUCK IS HE FUCKING TALKING ABOUT!?!??! My eyes are crossed because of a muscle problem - it has nothing to do with my brain - and i told him that and said he has no idea what the fuck he's fucking talking about.Then the lawyer handling my case called me to tell me how upset she is and i have to rush to the hospital because she doesn't want to go to my funeral. There is nothing wrong with me! NOTHING. I can't do this fucking insurance scam fraud crap anymore -the therapy was one thing but telling me i have fucking fluid on my fucking brain is just too damn ridiculous.One of my friends said i should go to the hospital tomorrow to get a CAT Scan just to make sure everything is ok - but there doesn't seem to be much point.